The restaurant is lovely. The table is quiet. Then one of you asks, “What are we doing about Saturday?” The other remembers a bill that needs paying. Soon the conversation has moved to the family calendar, finances, and who is picking up the children. A disagreement follows. The evening that was meant to bring you closer has become another planning session.
Your date night is not failing. It is working overtime as a business meeting. And a marriage is more than a business. Scripture names the difference: “Two are better than one … if either of them falls down, one can help the other up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10, New International Version). That kind of companionship needs more than logistics. It needs enjoyment, playfulness, and affection.
Many couples begin their relationship with romance, curiosity, fun, and lightheartedness. After the wedding, daily life fills up: bills, errands, parenting, household needs. Those responsibilities matter. But when they take over every conversation, couples can start to feel more like roommates and partners in managing a household than companions who enjoy one another.
A familiar pattern in Dr. Greg Stewart’s work with couples is that people believe in having regular date nights, yet bring the week’s unfinished business with them. His practical response is simple: make a separate time for practical matters, then protect the date for three purposes, to have fun, flirt, and show affection.
Give practical matters their own time
Planning needs a place. So do conversations about money, schedules, parenting, and household responsibilities. Trying to settle all of them over dinner can make it harder to enjoy the evening and harder to give important subjects the attention they deserve.
Set a regular time for the practical conversation. Keep a shared list of topics to discuss so neither person has to fear that an important concern will be forgotten. During date night, either partner can gently redirect the conversation:
“I want to talk about this, and I also want to enjoy our time together. Let’s add it to our planning conversation.”
That is not a dismissal. It is a boundary around the evening, paired with a clear promise to return to the subject. Jesus modeled the same rhythm: “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place” (Mark 1:35, New International Version). Even the most important work of his life was given a boundary, so that the work did not swallow everything else. If something is urgent or cannot reasonably wait, address it. Otherwise, write it down and come back to it at the agreed time.
Research on relationships supports the value of shared activities, while also cautioning against treating time together as a magic formula. For example, one study of shared relationship activities found that satisfying, low-stress activities that increased closeness were associated with better relationship quality; the partners’ engagement in the activity mattered (Girme et al., 2014). A large cross-national PLOS ONE study also found that a decrease in shared time was associated with a perceived decline in relationship satisfaction, while noting that the study could not establish cause and effect (Vigl et al., 2022).
The aim is not to avoid practical conversations. It is to give them a time and place that lets the rest of your time together breathe.
1. Have fun
Fun does not require an elaborate plan, a costly reservation, or a perfect mood. It does require making room for enjoyment that is not simply a by-product of getting something done.
Ask: What would help us enjoy one another tonight? The answer might be a picnic, a painting activity, a walk somewhere beautiful, a new recipe, or a favorite restaurant. Sometimes it will be a familiar, peaceful evening. Sometimes it will be something new.
Research suggests that novelty can help couples see themselves and one another in a fresh way. In experiments and surveys, couples who shared novel and exciting activities reported improvements in relationship quality, though that does not mean every adventurous activity suits every couple (Aron et al., 2000). A study specifically on date-night planning found that dates designed to be exciting and meaningful could foster closeness, in part by helping partners experience personal growth together (Harasymchuk et al., 2021). As Psychology Today summarizes, “exciting” is not one universal category: an activity should feel interesting or enjoyable to the two people doing it (Harasymchuk, 2021).
So do not measure the date by how impressive it looks. Measure it by whether you enjoyed the time you shared. If one partner loves a crowded concert and the other finds it exhausting, the concert may not be the right choice. Choose something both of you can enter willingly.
2. Flirt
Flirting is a way of turning toward each other with warmth, playfulness, and interest. It may be a compliment, a private joke, a teasing smile, or a question that says, “I still want to know you.”
It can feel unfamiliar when a relationship has become dominated by chores and logistics. Begin gently. Put away the phone. Look at one another. Say something kind and specific. Recall a moment from when you were dating, or ask what has been bringing your partner joy lately.
Do not make flirting a performance or a test. The point is not to prove that romance has returned in one evening. The point is to offer a little attention that says your partner is more than a co-manager of daily life. Paul’s description of love begins with this kind of small attentiveness: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud” (1 Corinthians 13:4, New International Version). Kindness is rarely dramatic. It is usually a compliment at the right moment, a joke remembered, a hand reached for across the table.
Research on shared experiences suggests that activation and positive feeling during an activity can accompany better momentary relationship quality (Graham, 2008). A study published in Frontiers in Psychology also found that joint activities were among the factors associated with relationship quality during a period of widespread stress, although the research was observational and did not prove that activities caused better relationships (Eder et al., 2021). The useful lesson is modest: shared attention matters. A flirtatious glance or a sincere compliment is one small way to offer it.
3. Show affection
Affection can be spoken, physical, or both. Offer a kind word. Reach for a hand, if that feels welcome. Sit close. Thank your partner for something you appreciate. Let the gesture fit your relationship, your circumstances, and each person’s comfort.
Affection is not a demand for a particular response. It is an invitation to show care. That distinction matters: genuine closeness grows from mutual attention, not pressure. Song of Songs captures this mutuality with unusual boldness: “His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my friend” (Song of Songs 5:16, New International Version). Affection in Scripture is neither hidden nor ashamed; it is celebrated.
Relationship researchers describe quality through several dimensions, including companionship, security, closeness, and conflict, not simply how often a couple goes out (Ponti et al., 2010). In a study published in Modern Psychological Studies, self-expansion and feeling connected to a partner were associated with more relationship-enhancing interpretations of the partner’s behavior. The study was correlational, so it does not show that date nights produce those outcomes, but it points to the value of approaching one another with openness (Acri & Lewandowski, 2015).
The broader evidence has its limits. A Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research study examined reassurance-seeking patterns across mother–daughter and romantic relationships; it did not test date nights or shared activities (Charlton et al., 2023). That distinction is worth keeping clear. A pleasant evening may support connection, but it does not erase serious concerns or replace needed conversations and support.
Take turns planning
Mutual pursuit means neither person has to carry the whole task of keeping the relationship fresh. Take turns planning. One partner chooses the restaurant and activity this week; the other takes the next turn. Before the first plan, agree on practical boundaries such as budget, schedule, accessibility, and activities you each prefer to avoid.
Then let the planner take the lead within those shared boundaries. A painting class, a picnic, or a playful activity such as throwing axes may suit some couples. Other couples may prefer a slow walk, a bookstore visit, or a simple dinner at home. The right plan is one both partners can enjoy.
Taking turns brings more thought and creativity into the relationship. It gives each person a chance to pursue the other, not only respond to requests. Planning an evening can be an expression of care: I considered what might make us happy together.
If deciding where to eat becomes an argument, return to the purpose. The restaurant is not the measure of success. Ask instead: Did we have fun? Did we flirt? Did we show affection? A quiet picnic can meet those goals better than a celebrated restaurant where both people spend the evening distracted.
Faith, too, makes room for delight. The poetry of Song of Songs celebrates affection and shared pleasure. Such joy need not be extravagant to be meaningful. It can begin with an evening in which two people set aside the household ledger, look up, and choose to enjoy one another.
Keep the goal gentle and clear
A date night does not have to repair every strain in a relationship. It is not a substitute for an honest conversation, and one evening cannot guarantee a lasting change. It can, however, provide a regular opportunity to practise enjoyment, playfulness, and affection.
When a practical topic arises, make a note and return to it during the time set aside. When you plan an activity, choose it with mutual care. When you are together, focus on the three goals: have fun, flirt, and show affection.
Let those goals (not the restaurant, the price, or the perfection of the plan) define the evening.
For more on understanding emotional reactions and choosing a wiser response, watch Dr. Greg Stewart’s TEDx talk or explore his book, I³: Unlock the Inner Strength Behind Your Negative Emotions.
References
Acri, L. M., & Lewandowski, G. W., Jr. (2015). The influence of the self in partner behavior interpretation. Modern Psychological Studies, 20(2), Article 3. https://scholar.utc.edu/mps/vol20/iss2/3/
Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.2.273
Charlton, J. K., Grassia, E., Popowich, A. D., & Mushquash, A. R. (2023). Like mother, like daughter: Excessive reassurance seeking across mother–daughter and romantic relationships. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 28(2), 157–161. https://doi.org/10.24839/2325-7342.JN28.2.157
Eder, S. J., Nicholson, A. A., Stefanczyk, M. M., Pieniak, M., Martínez-Molina, J., Pešout, O., Binter, J., Smela, P., Scharnowski, F., & Steyrl, D. (2021). Securing your relationship: Quality of intimate relationships during the COVID-19 pandemic can be predicted by attachment style. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, Article 647956. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.647956
Graham, J. M. (2008). Self-expansion and flow in couples’ momentary experiences: An experience sampling study. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(3), 679–694. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.95.3.679
Girme, Y. U., Overall, N. C., & Faingataa, S. (2014). “Date nights” take two: The maintenance function of shared relationship activities. Personal Relationships, 21(1), 125–149. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12020
Harasymchuk, C. (2021, June 23). How to broaden your date night repertoire. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-positive-side-of-relationships/202106/how-to-broaden-your-date-night-repertoire
Harasymchuk, C., Walker, D. L., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2021). Planning date nights that promote closeness: The roles of relationship goals and self-expansion. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(5), 1692–1709. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075211000436
Ponti, L., Guarnieri, S., Smorti, A., & Tani, F. (2010). A measure for the study of friendship and romantic relationship quality from adolescence to early-adulthood. The Open Psychology Journal, 3. https://doi.org/10.2174/1874350101003010076
New International Version Bible. (2011). The Holy Bible, New International Version. Zondervan. (Original work published 1978)
Vigl, J., Strauss, H., Talamini, F., & Zentner, M. (2022). Relationship satisfaction in the early stages of the COVID-19 pandemic: A cross-national examination of situational, dispositional, and relationship factors. PLOS ONE, 17(3), e0264511. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0264511
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