"Uninstall Your Buttons": Why No One Can Actually Make You Feel Insecure
Someone says something small. You feel something enormous.
A delayed reply becomes rejection. A careless remark becomes proof that you are inadequate. A criticism becomes a verdict. You replay the moment, build a case against the other person, and surrender the rest of the day to an event that lasted only a few seconds.
The comment mattered. But it may not explain the intensity of your response.
Chapter 4 of Dr. Greg Stewart’s book, I³: Information, Interpretation, Intensity – Unlock the Inner Strength Behind Your Negative Emotions, identifies insecurity as the first room in the house of the heart. It is the gateway to many other negative emotions because it touches the foundation of security, value, and worth.
The essential question is not merely, “What did they say?”
It is this:
Why did those words acquire so much power?
Insecurity Begins With an Unsteady Foundation
Insecurity means something is not firm or fixed. It is unsteady. It is not firmly founded in the facts about ourselves.
This does not mean every criticism is accurate. It does not mean mistreatment should be tolerated. It does not mean bullying is harmless. The American Psychological Association recognizes that bullying can contribute to anxiety, depression, and lowered self-esteem (American Psychological Association, n.d.-a, n.d.-b).
The point is more precise. Another person may create a painful situation, but that person does not automatically control your inner interpretation of it.
Healthy self-regard provides the foundation. In Bar-On’s emotional intelligence model, self-regard involves respecting and accepting yourself while maintaining an objective view of your strengths and weaknesses (Bar-On, 2006). You do not hide your weaknesses. You do not inflate your strengths. You see yourself clearly, then remain committed to your worth.
That is the difference between self-acceptance and self-deception.
Self-acceptance says, “This weakness may be real, but it is not the whole of me.”
Insecurity says, “If this weakness is seen, I will lose my value.”
The Experienced World and the Real World
Dr. Stewart describes insecurity as a kind of personal Matrix.
In the experienced world, all your attention centers on the person who “made” you feel insecure. You study the insult, the tone, the facial expression, the unfairness, and the history between you. Your mind builds a complete explanation of how the other person caused your emotional collapse.
In the real world, you confront a more difficult question:
What is this comment exposing in me?
The experienced world is emotionally compelling. The real world is more useful.
Research on threatened egotism helps explain why criticism can provoke disproportionate defensiveness. When a person’s positive self-image feels threatened, the response may include anger, blame, or aggression rather than reflection (Baumeister et al., 1996). The threat is not always to the person’s actual worth. It is often to the image they are trying to protect.
This is why defensiveness can become so revealing. It may not prove that the critic is right. It may show that something inside you remains unsettled.
“Uninstall Your Buttons”
While working at a residential treatment center, Dr. Stewart recalls a teenage girl crying out, “Dr. Greg, tell her to shut up. She is really pushing my buttons.”
His reply was direct:
“Well, uninstall your buttons. The issue is not that she is pushing your buttons. The problem is that you have buttons she can push.”
The statement was not an insult. It was an invitation to freedom.
A button is an insecurity that grants another person emotional access to you. When someone presses it, you react as though they have authority over your identity. You may argue, withdraw, attack, explain, or obsess. The other person has supplied information. You have supplied the interpretation and the intensity.
That distinction is central to the I³ framework:
Information → Interpretation → Intensity
The Panama Canal Rule states that you do not move to interpretation or intensity before you have all the information. In practical terms, do not decide what a person meant before you know what actually happened. Do not assign a motive to silence. Do not build a conclusion from one expression, one sentence, or one unanswered message.
Then examine the interpretation.
Ask:
- What do I know?
- What am I assuming?
- Is there another reasonable explanation?
- What belief about myself has been activated?
- Is my current intensity proportionate to the facts?
Gross and John’s research on emotion regulation identifies cognitive reappraisal as a process through which people reconsider the meaning of an event before allowing the emotion to determine their behavior (Gross & John, 2003). This does not require forced positivity. It requires intellectual honesty.
The Three Categories of Insecurity
Dr. Stewart organizes insecurity into three useful categories.
1. It is true, but you do not want it exposed
Perhaps you are impatient. Perhaps you were dishonest. Perhaps you are more dependent on approval than you wish to admit.
The answer is not concealment. It is ownership.
Dr. Stewart illustrates this with a scene in which girls criticized his large nose and thinning hair. Instead of defending himself, he responded, “Everything you said is true. I own it. Now what?”
The confrontation lost its force.
Owning a weakness does not mean celebrating it. It means refusing to let exposure become emotional captivity. Truth may require correction, apology, treatment, or practice. It does not require self-destruction.
2. It is not true, but you believe it is true
A bully may use a broad insult that has no rational foundation. Yet if the insult matches a private fear, you may accept it as evidence.
In that case, a calm “Umm, okay” may be wiser than a courtroom defense.
You do not have to litigate every accusation. You do not have to persuade every critic. You must determine whether the criticism is rational, healthy, wise, and right. This is the RHWR grid.
If the criticism fails the grid, it may be exposing the critic rather than describing you.
3. Someone is gossiping about you
Gossip creates three audiences:
- People who love you.
- People who do not know you.
- People who know you somewhat and may be influenced by the story.
The first audience already has context. The second lacks enough information to make a wise judgment. The third may deserve a measured response.
Do not spend your life correcting every version of yourself that exists in someone else’s imagination. Clarify what requires clarification. Own what is true. Release what is not yours.
“The Issue Is What You Think of You”
The central mental model is simple:
The issue is not what they think of you. The issue is what you think of you.
This is not permission to become indifferent to relationships. We naturally want love, respect, acceptance, and belonging. The problem is not having those desires. The problem is allowing unmet desires to become devastation.
The question is not, “Do I want people to value me?”
The question is, “Must they value me in order for me to remain valuable?”
The Open Psychology Journal published research showing that higher self-esteem was associated with lower appearance anxiety and lower self-objectification, while resilience helped buffer these relationships (Behera & Khuntia, 2025). The study does not suggest that confidence eliminates criticism. It suggests that a more stable sense of worth reduces the likelihood that external evaluation will become an internal verdict.
Modern Psychological Studies likewise reflects a long-standing concern in psychological research: the relationship between self-evaluation, emotional regulation, and psychological well-being. The practical conclusion is consistent across the literature. A person who evaluates the self with greater accuracy and acceptance has more freedom to respond wisely.
Psi Chi Journal research also found that self-compassion was associated with stronger personal-emotional adjustment and overall adjustment among college students (Scott & Donovan, 2021). Self-kindness is not weakness. It is a stabilizing discipline.
Nothing Bothers Me, Unless It Should
This formula requires maturity:
Nothing bothers me, unless it should.
Negative emotions are not automatically unhealthy. Anger may signal injustice. Shame may reveal a violation of your values. Fear may identify danger. Sadness may mark loss.
The question is whether the emotion is the right type and the right amount.
The RHWR grid helps you evaluate the response:
- Is it rational?
- Is it healthy?
- Is it wise?
- Is it right?
PLOS ONE research found that emotion regulation reduced aggressive behavior particularly among participants with weaker inhibitory control (Hsieh & Chen, 2017). The implication is practical. Regulation is not the denial of emotion. It is the ability to keep emotional energy from becoming destructive behavior.
On the I³ number line, the facts may justify a response at +2, while your interpretation has taken the intensity to +9 or -9. Your task is not always to eliminate the feeling. Your task is to bring the intensity into proportion with reality.
A Practice for Uninstalling Your Buttons
The next time you feel insulted, ignored, rejected, or exposed, pause before assigning blame.
Write down four statements:
- Information: What facts do I actually possess?
- Interpretation: What meaning did I assign to those facts?
- RHWR: Is my interpretation rational, healthy, wise, and right?
- Intensity: On a scale from -10 to +10, what intensity is justified?
Then ask the question Dr. Stewart repeatedly asks:
What is being exposed in me?
Perhaps the moment revealed a fear of rejection. Perhaps it exposed an old wound. Perhaps it showed that you have been measuring your worth through another person’s approval.
Do not use this practice to excuse abuse or silence your boundaries. Use it to reclaim authority over your inner life.
Truth releases you. Lies keep you in bondage.
Begin the Work Within
Dr. Greg Stewart presents insecurity not as a permanent sentence but as an invitation to interior mastery. You do not become secure by forcing every critic to approve of you. You become secure by developing a relationship with the truth about yourself.
You are allowed to acknowledge weakness without becoming weakness.
You are allowed to receive correction without surrendering your worth.
You are allowed to want love without requiring another person to provide your identity.
Learn more about the I³ framework in Dr. Stewart’s first book, I³: Information, Interpretation, Intensity – Unlock the Inner Strength Behind Your Negative Emotions.
You can also watch Dr. Stewart’s TEDx talk, “Unlock the Inner Strength Behind Your Negative Emotions”.
For general counseling information, call 469-485-0387.
References
American Psychological Association. (n.d.-a). Students experiencing low self-esteem or lack of confidence.
American Psychological Association. (n.d.-b). Students experiencing bullying.
Bar-On, R. (2006). The Bar-On model of emotional-social intelligence. Psicothema, 18, 13–25.
Baumeister, R. F., Smart, L., & Boden, J. M. (1996). Relation of threatened egotism to violence and aggression: The dark side of high self-esteem. Psychological Review, 103(1), 5–33. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.103.1.5
Behera, N., & Khuntia, S. (2025). Self-esteem, self-objectification, appearance anxiety, resilience, and gender: Testing a moderated mediational analysis. The Open Psychology Journal, 18, e18743501347628. https://doi.org/10.2174/0118743501347628250114054620
Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.2.348
Hsieh, I.-J., & Chen, Y.-Y. (2017). Determinants of aggressive behavior: Interactive effects of emotional regulation and inhibitory control. PLOS ONE, 12(4), e0175651. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0175651
Modern Psychological Studies. (n.d.). Research on self-evaluation, emotional regulation, and psychological well-being.
Psychology Today. (2025). The hidden potential in your triggers.
Scott, H., & Donovan, E. (2021). Student adaptation to college survey: The role of self-compassion in college adjustment. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 26, 101–112. https://cdn.ymaws.com/www.psichi.org/resource/resmgr/journal_2021/26_2_scott.pdf
Wojnarowska, A., Kobylinska, D., & Lewczuk, K. (2020). Acceptance as an emotion regulation strategy in experimental psychological research: What we know and how we can improve that knowledge. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 242. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00242
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