Where Would They Be Right? The One Question That Ends Most Arguments

Two people live in the same house and do not speak for three days. Each carries a sentence that could end the conflict, yet neither says it aloud. One is thinking, “I wanted you to understand why this hurt.” The other is thinking, “I wanted you to see that I was trying.”

The silence is not empty. It is crowded with assumptions.

Their how became so destructive that they never reached the what.

The Problem Is Often Not the Topic

In my work in marriage counseling, I cannot think of one couple who sought help where communication was not on the list. Every couple has subjects that require honest discussion. The subject itself is rarely the central problem.

The problem emerges when they attempt to discuss it.

Negative emotional energy becomes inflated. Voices rise. Accusations replace observations. One person brings evidence from three years ago. The other responds with a related grievance. Soon, the couple is no longer discussing the original concern. They are defending their character, their intentions, and their right to feel wounded.

Then they need another conversation to recover from the hurt caused by the first conversation.

Many never return to the legitimate topic because their how is so bad they cannot get through the what.

This pattern appears in marriage, dating, sibling relationships, friendships, and families. The closer the relationship, the more exposed we feel. Our sense of significance, security, and worth may become tied to whether the other person pursues us, understands us, or validates us. When those emotional goals feel blocked, the discussion can quickly become a referendum on our value.

Research supports the importance of this distinction. Perspective-taking helps people understand how a conflict appears to another person and improves the accuracy of communication. It also increases the possibility of creative, mutually beneficial solutions (Johnson, 2019). Yet perspective-taking requires effort. Under emotional pressure, people often default to their own perspective and struggle to account for what the other person knows, believes, or means (Nedergaard & Smith, 2024).

Every Argument Has Orbiting Statements

Whenever two people argue, they usually have many points of agreement and many points of disagreement. After all the monologuing, however, each person generally has one main point.

One main goal.

One outcome they want the conversation to achieve.

The difficulty comes from everything orbiting that main point. These orbiting statements include:

• Opinions about the other person’s character.
• Supporting evidence from unrelated situations.
• Assumptions about motives.
• Comparisons with other people.
• Old injuries that have not been resolved.
• Absolutes such as “always” and “never.”
• Defenses against statements that were never actually made.

The orbiting material creates confusion. It also contains many statements that fail the test of being rational, healthy, wise, or right. That is why the couple moves into tangents and never solves the original problem.

A conflict may sound enormous because the conversation contains thirty sentences. Yet beneath those sentences are often two understandable goals.

One person wants security.

The other wants significance.

One wants consideration.

The other wants trust.

One wants the household responsibility to change.

The other wants recognition for what has already been carried.

Most arguments are not two people disagreeing about every possible matter. They are two people who have not yet separated the central issue from the noise surrounding it.

Use the RHWR Grid

The RHWR grid gives both people a standard for evaluating the conversation. RHWR means:

• Rational
• Healthy
• Wise
• Right

Everyone is accountable to this standard. Everyone may also appeal to it.

Ask the questions plainly:

“It is or is not rational that I or you…”

“It is or is not healthy when I or you…”

“It is or is not wise that I or you…”

“It is or is not right that I or you…”

This language changes the conversation. It moves the discussion away from “Who is the bad person?” and toward “What is the most sound way to understand and respond to this situation?”

The grid does not require agreement. It requires honest evaluation.

A person may say, “I understand why you are upset, but I do not agree with your conclusion.” That is not dismissal. It is a distinction between acknowledging an experience and accepting every interpretation attached to it.

This distinction matters. Research on conflict communication shows that directness can be beneficial when serious, changeable problems need to be addressed. Yet directness becomes harmful when it is delivered through contempt, blame, or emotional excess (Overall & McNulty, 2017). Validation also requires context. Warmth can reduce defensiveness, but warmth must not become a way to avoid necessary change.

The RHWR grid holds both truths together.

Find the Main Point

After an argument, do not immediately attempt to solve the problem. First, create space.

Separate if necessary. Cool down. Do not use the pause to build a better prosecution. Use it to examine the conversation with humility.

Review the statements your partner made. Identify the ones that were rational, healthy, wise, or right. Then review your own statements. Identify the ones that were not.

This practice keeps pride from consuming all your energy. It also prevents you from spending the entire pause proving that the other person was wrong.

Next, sift through the orbiting statements. Ask:

• What was my partner’s main point?
• What goal were they trying to achieve?
• What did they want me to understand?
• Is that main point rational, healthy, wise, or right?

Then ask the same questions about yourself.

Most of the time, both main points will pass the RHWR test.

This is where humility becomes practical. You may discover that your partner’s delivery was harmful while the concern underneath it was legitimate. You may discover that your own concern was reasonable while your method of expressing it was destructive.

The how may need repair. The what may still deserve attention.

State the Main Point in One Sentence

The simplest version of the exercise is this:

“Look, my main point is…”

Then finish the sentence without adding an indictment.

“My main point is that I want us to agree on how we will handle this responsibility in the future.”

“My main point is that I felt alone, and I want reassurance that we are facing this together.”

“My main point is that I need us to discuss this without raising our voices.”

“My main point is that I want to feel considered before decisions are made.”

A main point stated simply becomes easier to evaluate. It also becomes easier for the other person to understand.

When you return to the conversation, do not begin with a defense. Begin with clarification.

Ask:

“What is your main point?”

Listen to the answer.

Then ask:

“Is that what I understood you to mean?”

Allow the other person to correct you. Do not argue with the correction. Your first responsibility is to understand accurately.

Follow this sequence:

1. Accountability. Identify what was not rational, healthy, wise, or right in your own words and actions.
2. Clarification. State what you believe the other person’s main point is and allow them to correct it.
3. Main points. State your own main point in one clear sentence.
4. Solution. Ask, “What is the most rational, healthy, wise, and right response moving forward that achieves both goals?”

This approach does not require one person to surrender. It asks both people to look for a solution that respects the legitimate goals underneath the argument.

Return to the Triggers Later

The RHWR process may expose old wounds. It may activate fear, shame, anger, or insecurity again. That is acceptable. Do not allow the renewed trigger to hijack the solution.

First, agree on the way forward.

Then return to the emotional repair.

You might say:

“I still need to talk about how we spoke to each other. I am glad we reached a solution, but I do not want to ignore the damage caused by the conversation.”

That is a separate and necessary discussion. It belongs after both people understand the main points and agree on a constructive response.

The I³ framework (Information, Interpretation, Intensity) helps you notice what is happening beneath the argument. Gather the information. Examine more than one interpretation. Then direct the intensity toward a wise response.

I³ is an emotional-management framework. It is not a clinical diagnosis and not a substitute for licensed care. If conflict involves fear, coercion, threats, abuse, or ongoing emotional harm, seek appropriate professional and safety support.

Most Arguments Contain More Agreement Than We Think

Finding another way to look at a situation requires humility and work. It requires the willingness to admit that your first interpretation may be incomplete.

For readers of faith, this echoes the ancient invitation to cry aloud for knowledge, insight, wisdom, and understanding, then search for them as carefully as hidden treasure. Readers who do not share that tradition can still practice the principle. Wisdom is pursued. It is not assumed.

The hopeful truth is this:

Most arguments are not two people disagreeing about a solution. They are two people who never got past the noise to discover that they agree about the goal.

They both want safety.

They both want respect.

They both want to matter.

They both want the relationship to become more trustworthy.

Ask the question that creates room for that discovery:

“Where would they be right?”

Then ask where you would be right.

Do not use the question to surrender your convictions. Use it to recover the truth that anger buried beneath the noise. Begin there. Clarify the main points. Then build the most rational, healthy, wise, and right path forward.

Learn more about the I³ framework in Dr. Greg Stewart’s TEDx talk, or read the revised edition of I³: Information, Interpretation, Intensity – Unlock the Inner Strength Behind Your Negative Emotions.

References

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Healthy relationships. https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage-relationships/healthy-relationships

Branand, B., Mashek, D., & Aron, A. (2019). Pair-bonding as inclusion of other in the self: A literature review. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 2399. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.02399

Davis, M. H., Conklin, L., Smith, A., & Luce, C. (1996). Effect of perspective taking on the cognitive representation of persons: A merging of self and other. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(4), 713–726.

Johnson, D. W. (2019, June 5). The importance of taking the perspective of others. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/constructive-controversy/201906/the-importance-of-taking-the-perspective-of-others

Kracht, T. M., & Powell, D. N. (2021). Media consumption: Association with implicit theories of romantic relationships. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 26(4), 363–373. https://doi.org/10.24839/2325-7342.JN26.4.363

McNulty, J. K., & Russell, V. M. (2010). When “negative” behaviors are positive: A contextual analysis of the long-term effects of interpersonal communication. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(4), 587–604. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0017479

Nedergaard, J., & Smith, K. (2024). Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Perspective-taking in a language game. PLOS ONE, 19(1), e0288330. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0288330

Overall, N. C., & McNulty, J. K. (2017). What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 1–5. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002

Petersen, J., & Le, B. (2017). Psychological distress, attachment, and conflict resolution in romantic relationships. Modern Psychological Studies, 23(1), Article 3. https://scholar.utc.edu/mps/vol23/iss1/3/

Ponti, L., Guarnieri, S., Smorti, A., & Tani, F. (2010). A measure for the study of friendship and romantic relationship quality from adolescence to early adulthood. The Open Psychology Journal, 3, 76–83. https://doi.org/10.2174/1874350101003010076

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