Why the Insult Only Works If You Agree With It: Taking Your Power Back From Bullies, Critics, and Gossips
An insult can occupy your mind for hours.
You replay the words. You examine the speaker’s expression. You imagine what others may think. You construct a defense long after the conversation has ended.
The insult has become larger than the moment.
This is the central insight of Chapter 4, “The Matrix of Insecurity,” from Dr. Greg Stewart’s book, I³: Information, Interpretation, Intensity – Unlock the Inner Strength Behind Your Negative Emotions: The issue is not merely what someone thinks of you. The deeper issue is what you think of you.
That principle does not mean insults are harmless. Verbal aggression, name-calling, rumors, and social exclusion can cause genuine psychological harm. The American Psychological Association defines bullying to include persistent aggressive behavior and verbal abuse directed toward someone in a position of relative disadvantage (American Psychological Association, 2024). Research also connects bullying victimization with distress, lower self-esteem, depression, and long-term difficulties with emotional regulation (Newman et al., 2023; Valera-Pozo et al., 2021).
The principle means something more precise: Another person can deliver information, but you participate in the interpretation that gives it lasting authority.
The Three Categories of Insecurity
When someone insults you, place the statement into one of three categories.
1. It is true, but you do not want it exposed
Sometimes an insult identifies a real weakness, mistake, limitation, or behavior you would rather keep hidden.
The natural response is defensiveness. You deny. You attack the speaker. You change the subject. You attempt to make the other person look worse.
That response wastes energy.
If the statement is true, own it. You do not need to enjoy the truth. You do not need to celebrate it. You need to acknowledge it accurately.
You might say:
“There may be truth in that. I am working on it.”
Or:
“I know this is an area where I need to grow.”
Ownership removes the insult’s leverage. The speaker may have exposed information, but the information no longer controls your identity. You have already faced it.
This is not self-condemnation. It is emotional honesty.
Dr. Stewart’s clinical example involves teenage girls at a residential treatment center calling one another “ugly” and “fat.” “Ugly” is a subjective judgment. It is not an objective measurement. Weight, however, may involve a legitimate health concern. If a physician has addressed someone’s weight, the more constructive response is not humiliation. It is responsibility.
A composed response might be:
“I have discussed my weight with my doctor. I am working with a nutritionist, and I have begun exercising.”
The bully expects shame. Ownership removes the expected reward.
2. It is not true, but you believe it may be true
This is the category most likely to create an interpretation gap.
A person says, “You are stupid.”
“You are ugly.”
“You are an idiot.”
“No one wants you here.”
These are broad-stroke judgments. They contain little useful information. Yet if the words connect with an existing insecurity, they can feel like evidence.
The mind begins to complete the accusation:
Maybe I am stupid.
Maybe everyone sees what I see.
Maybe this person has finally said aloud what others have been thinking.
This is where a simple response can restore proportion:
“Umm, okay.”
Do not say it with theatrical contempt. Do not use it as a challenge. Say it with composure. The phrase refuses to argue with an unsupported claim.
Psychology Today’s guidance on insults recommends creating distance, evaluating the source and intent, and resisting instinctive anger or retaliation (Burton, 2025). Anger often communicates that the insult found its target. Retaliation keeps you inside the other person’s emotional structure.
A calm response interrupts that structure.
The insult may still sting. Your nervous system can react before your reasoning catches up. Research on bullying and verbal aggression confirms that this reaction is real. The goal is not to pretend you feel nothing. The goal is to prevent a momentary reaction from becoming a permanent conclusion.
The “Embrace the Digs” Technique
Some insults are one-line attempts to establish superiority.
Someone says:
“A more seasoned pastor would not have done that.”
You could defend your experience. You could question the speaker’s motives. You could return the insult.
Instead, consider agreeing and exaggerating:
“You are right. I have serious immaturity issues. I am surprised the Board of Elders has not called me in to address them.”
The technique works because it absorbs the negative energy. The speaker expects resistance. When resistance disappears, the insult loses its momentum.
This approach requires judgment. Do not use it when someone is threatening you, targeting your identity, humiliating you publicly, or engaging in sustained abuse. Humor is not a substitute for safety. In those situations, establish a boundary, seek support, document the behavior, and involve appropriate people.
Use “embrace the digs” for the ordinary jab, not for serious mistreatment.
Why Defensiveness Feels So Revealing
Dr. Stewart recalls a revelation from his fourteenth year while working at a hamburger restaurant. When someone cuts you down and you respond with disproportionate anger, the intensity may reveal that the statement touched something you already fear.
This does not prove the insult is true. It identifies an emotional pressure point.
That distinction matters.
A strong reaction is information. It is not a verdict.
In the I³ framework:
- Information is what the person said.
- Interpretation is what you believe the statement means.
- Intensity is the emotional energy produced by that interpretation.
The Panama Canal Rule directs attention to the Interpretation stage. A small amount of information can produce enormous intensity when the interpretation is threatening.
Ask three questions:
- What was actually said?
- What meaning did I assign to it?
- What insecurity did the statement activate?
This is the RHWR grid in practice: identify the real situation, examine your interpretation, evaluate the response, and choose a healthier response. Your emotional goal is not to become indifferent to every opinion. Your goal is to respond with an intensity proportionate to the information.
Gossip and the Three Audiences
Gossip creates a second interpretation problem because you may never hear the original words. You hear that someone said something about you, then your mind supplies the missing details.
Three groups typically receive gossip.
Those who love you
People who care about you may challenge the gossip, ignore it, or bring it to your attention. Their response is often guided by loyalty and context.
Those who do not know you
They may feel confused. They may want the conversation to end. They may not have enough information to form a meaningful conclusion.
Those who somewhat know you
This is usually the only group worth engaging. These people have enough familiarity to interpret the information, but not enough certainty to know the whole story.
If the gossip is true, own what is true.
If it is false, ask for an open mind. You do not need to conduct a courtroom defense before every listener. You need to remain grounded in reality.
The research supports caution here. In a large study of bullying experiences, social bullying included name-calling, exclusion, and spreading falsehoods. Rumor-based bullying showed meaningful associations with sadness, hopelessness, and suicide attempts (Newman et al., 2023). Gossip is not always trivial. Repeated social aggression can cause harm.
Yet the remedy is not to surrender your entire inner life to the opinions of spectators.
Do Not Confuse Responsibility With Blame
“You cannot control the bully” is true.
“You can control your response” is also true.
Neither statement means the target caused the abuse. Responsibility for your emotional response is not blame for another person’s misconduct.
The American Psychological Association emphasizes prevention, support, and safe responses to bullying. A study published in Modern Psychological Studies found that nonviolent forms of bullying were common among participants reflecting on earlier experiences, while witnesses and victims often responded in similar ways (White et al., 2014). These findings reinforce the need to take relational aggression seriously.
Reclaiming your response is one part of protection. Other parts may include:
- Leaving the interaction.
- Naming the behavior directly.
- Setting a clear boundary.
- Seeking support from a trusted person.
- Reporting repeated harassment.
- Working with a qualified mental health professional.
Do not remain in danger to prove that you are emotionally strong.
The Interior Work
The most enduring freedom comes when you stop asking, “How can I make them stop thinking this about me?”
Ask instead:
“Why does this person’s opinion possess so much authority inside me?”
That question turns your attention from the environment to your interior life.
The answer may involve old criticism, rejection, shame, comparison, or an unresolved fear. The insult is current. The wound may not be. I³ helps separate the present information from the historical interpretation attached to it.
The truth can set you free. A lie can keep you in bondage only when you repeatedly grant it authority.
You do not need to win every exchange. You need to become more accurate about what belongs to you.
Own what is true. Reject what is false. Refuse to build your identity around gossip. Let the insult end where it began instead of carrying it into the rest of your day.
Learn more about the I³ process in Dr. Greg Stewart’s TEDx talk on the inner strength behind negative emotions.
For a deeper study of Information, Interpretation, and Intensity, read Dr. Stewart’s first book, I³: Unlock the Inner Strength Behind Your Negative Emotions.
References
American Psychological Association. (2024). Bullying. https://www.apa.org/topics/bullying
Baumeister, R. F., Smart, L., & Boden, J. M. (1996). Relation of threatened egotism to violence and aggression: The dark side of high self-esteem. Psychological Review, 103(1), 5–33. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.103.1.5
Burton, N. (2025, September 7). How to deal with insults. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/ataraxia/202509/how-to-deal-with-insults
Garthe, R. C., & Schacht, P. M. (2012). The effects of self-esteem and aggression on depression in Scottish young adults. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 17(1). https://cdn.ymaws.com/www.psichi.org/resource/resmgr/journal_2012/spring12jngarthe.pdf
Newman, K. L., Alexander, D. S., & Rovers, J. P. (2023). Sadness, hopelessness and suicide attempts in bullying: Data from the 2018 Iowa Youth Survey. PLOS ONE, 18(2), e0281106. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0281106
Pavri, S. (2015). Loneliness: The cause or consequence of peer victimization in children and youth. The Open Psychology Journal, 8, 78–84. https://doi.org/10.2174/1874350101508010078
Valera-Pozo, M., Flexas, A., Servera, M., Aguilar-Mediavilla, E., & Adrover-Roig, D. (2021). Long-term profiles of bullying victims and aggressors: A retrospective study. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 631276. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.631276
White, L., Hammonds, F., & Valkyrie, K. T. (2014). Bullying: Bullies, victims, and witnesses. Modern Psychological Studies, 20(1), Article 2, 1–14. https://scholar.utc.edu/mps/vol20/iss1/2
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